nightmares…

Weeks went by, and I neither heard nor saw Daniel.  I thought I smelled him a few times, but I was never fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of his angelic face.  I once caught sight of the strange blonde man, but he disappeared as quickly as I saw him.  
The sun rose every morning and the sun set every night.  The constant nature of change did not abandon its belief now, even in my need for change.  I alone stood still in time forever.  The hours of the day never increased, and the times I felt alone never ceased.  As the horizon beamed forebodingly, I found myself quietly absorbed by the world.  My life went on endlessly, and I simply existed, never again feeling the life I had known that I spent with Daniel.  My heart remained still and slowly I sensed it freeze over.  Thoughts and memories slipped effortlessly into my mind, and I perched on the roof above my bathroom every night, always anticipating the oncoming dawn.  Each one promised to me new life, and another chance, and as the sun drew above the horizon, each promise was broken by the shadows lain before me. The attacks from Lucifer haunted my mind, and I grew paler than ever.  People eventually began to look past me, seeing nothing but my melancholy state.  Every moment of every day, I sat buried deep inside myself, awaiting the appearance of the horrors of the dark.  I drove myself away from all contact, and I disconnected myself from reality.  I was lost in my own nightmare.
Only Kristi refused to sever the connection.  The child sat politely next to me everyday, and sweetly complimented me.  She inquired about my health, and she smiled widely, attempting to make my emotions lighten.  Everyday we parted and she happily told me to “get” myself a good day.  Our routine seemed endless until it suddenly stopped.
“Damn it, Lani!” Kristi said roughly slamming her fist onto the table.
The sudden movement startled me, causing me to jump, upsetting my cup of tea.  I looked confused, and stared blankly into the blue eyes of my lunch companion.  I was shocked to find anger displayed wildly in Kristi’s face.  
“Everyday!” she stated annoyed.  “Everyday we sit here, and everyday you pick at your food and leave.  You do nothing but slide by, and you look sick.  If I didn’t know better I would say you were dying!”  Even though a look of pain was painted clearly across Kristi’s face, I could not help but snort upon hearing her statement.  Kristi frowned menacingly.
“Death,” I said tonelessly, “avoids those who seek its companionship.”  Kristi immediately smacked my shoulder, shrieking in shock.
“You cannot seriously be thinking about killing yourself!”  Kristi’s face was decorated with panic and without much concern, I slowly continued picking at my pizza.
“Kristi, dear, I am unable to take my life.  That gift lays with creatures of much more power than I.”  Kristi stared at me blankly, and I allowed a smile to break out across my face.  
Kristi was probably the only person on the Earth that truly cared what happened to me.  Her pale gray eyes brimmed with concern, and I genuinely expressed my affection by sweetly rubbing Kristi's arm that lay closest to my plate.
“Do not fear, little one,” I said more motherly than I had intended.  “I am not planning on ending my life any time soon.”
Kristi smiled timidly, and her eyes brightened as she spoke.  “Good,” she said immediately lifting her spirits.  “I was awful concerned.”
I smiled an actual warm smile, and laughed for the first time in weeks.  
“I know and I greatly appreciate your concern.  I can hardly remember a time when I knew someone cared about me.  I always hoped but I never knew.”  This time a mournful smile crossed my face, and it was Kristi's turn to play comforter.  
“I understand better than you realize,” she said considerately.
Gratefully I lowered my eyes and proceeded to tear my pizza into shreds.  The normal silence of our lunches reinstated, and in what seemed like moments, the bell rang.  Quietly I stood, smiled at Kristi, and walked from the cafeteria.  The brightness of the sun illuminated the courtyard, painting my now melancholy face with light.  In the distance lulled a distant roar of thunder.

❦

I walked home in silence, and the rain gently enveloped my form.  I could hide in the rain, and I could live in the rain.  Sun was not given for my joy, but rain fell as my tears.  The endlessness of my being always seemed much more soothing in the rain as I felt the comfort of the icy tears.  God had once told me that the rain fell in order to disguise the angels’ tears, but I now understood in was to hold the broken pieces of a demon’s sorrow.  
I walked around a street sign and caught my first glimpse of him in weeks.  My heart jumped at the sight of his pale figure and I knew we could not have crossed paths by chance.  I began to walk faster, almost pushing around humans to reach him.  The smell was hitting me hard but I did not care; the aroma seemed more tolerable that usual.  People slammed into me as I starting running hoping to catch up to him.  I needed to talk to him.  I needed to see him.  I almost wanted to see.
“Daniel!” I said, softly at first.  The next burst through my lungs in a yell.  “Daniel!”  I saw the vampire turn halfway, and then he too sped up.  I ran harder and faster, yelling for him to slow down, begging for him to wait.  People around me began to blur and I bumped into them hard: painfully hard.  
“Dan—!”
Suddenly I crashed into an iron figure.  Hands roughly grabbed my arms, and panic suddenly slipped through me.  This was not Daniel.  This creature was a trick probably sent by Lucifer to kill me.  The red eyes burned into mine, and I suddenly recognized the creature.  
“I am not Daniel, Lani,” the creature whispered roughly.  He was the one who had told me to leave the last night I had seen Daniel.  The blonde hair was still spiked, and the aroma of his body was as powerful as Daniel's, if not more so.  He definitely was not human, and the fact that he knew both Daniel and me scared me.  The strange creature now leaned in so close that our noses met.  A small electric spark jolted us both as our skin touched.  The man pulled back, but only a slight amount of space remained between us.
“Stop looking for him like a lost child!” the man said brusquely.  “Wake up Lani!  Wake up!”  The man let go of my arms and turned swiftly.  The creature was soon out of sight and I simply stood and allowed the people to crash into me.  
I had hoped so hard it was Daniel.  Something inside me was breaking, and I could not force it to stop.  A sour feeling form in the pit of my stomach and I felt my limbs go numb.  The pain was dull but noticeable, and it interrupted my train of thought.  I stood there for a long time, deaf to the sounds of the humans around me.  I wanted nothing more than to vanish: to stand still, disappearing slowly, as the world raced around me.  
Finally I gravely began to walk home, disheartened and in pain.  I walked slowly, almost hoping I would never reach the confines of my labyrinth.
As I turned a corner, I was hit with a pelting wind.  I stumbled and fell to my knees, the ground catching me roughly.  I knew I was waiting for something to hang on to, but until then, I was alone with my memories.  Something was missing but I could not place it.  I rose gracefully, drenched and cold, and I began walking towards my lodge once again.  My hands stung with the burns of broken skin, but still I marched onward, prepared to face the unknown.  Lucifer was hunting me still, but the sorrowful relief of the rain pounded hard on my figure, dulling the inner anguish.  
I quickly reached my building, and I raced up the stairs, desperate to escape the loneliness.  The despairing flames of passion set on me as I entered the room, but I did not care.  I wanted the freedom the night brought me, and I graciously sat in the rain, watching the fat droplets topple to the ground.  Each was unaware of the impact they made on the earth, or in the life of a damned demon.  The cold set in and I watched as the clouds swirled around me.  A single crack of lightening lit up the sky.

❦

“Bloody Mary,” the figure said darkly to the bartender.  The bartender quickly nodded his head and walked away, but the dark figure never moved.  His yellow eyes stared unseeingly into the world around him, and he smiled, revealing a bright row of fangs.  The creature wore a long trench coat, and his blonde spiked hair shone vibrantly in the dark.  The bartender soon brought back the drink, and the creature smiled up at him.
Shock and horror painted the barmen’s face, and he paled as he backed away.  The yellow eyes still smirked as the coated creature turned his head away from the man’s face.  The vampire raised the red drink to his lips, and as he took a sip, his eyes caught hold of something.  A small barmaid was carrying a tray of beers to a rowdy crowd of men.  She wore a tight red pinstriped dress that displayed his bosom proudly.  Her black hair fell delicately from her pinned up bun, curling softly.  The man inside the demon noticed how her olive skin stood apart from the other barmaids.  The vampire stared in awe of the small child’s beauty, and without thinking he called to her sweetly.
The girl seemed somewhat disturb at the request, but moving in a fashion that exemplified her curves, she strode over to the demon.  The vampire concealed his fangs, but the eyes still shone golden.
“What can I get you sir?” the young maid asked, her voice tainted with a hint of an accent.  The creature paid no attention to the origin of the voice, but simply stared at the beautiful woman.
“Your name,” the man said without blinking.  The small girl blushed, and then proceeded to turn back to the crowd.  The young man gently caught her arm, and asked for her name once more.  
“Alina,” she said shyly.  Without a word the vampire let the young woman return to her duties, but the named played on the creature’s mind.  
“A rose among the ashes,” the vampire murmured quietly.
❦

I quickly jumped from my seat.  My eyes fluttered open, and baffled I glance cautiously around.  The rain was still falling slightly, but the light of the dawn was already on the horizon.  My balcony laid soaked, and I with it.  Dripping, I raced inside to my bathroom, praying to find a sign in my mirror’s reflection.
I flung on the door, and frantically searched my face for a sign of change, or even forgiveness.  Almost tearing my shirt I tugged on my sleeve, hoping to find that the brand was gone.  Emptiness painted my face as the tattoo reflected in the mirror’s glare.
Confused, I left the bathroom, digging for an answer.  I had dreamed. I had not slept in a century, and I had not dreamed in longer.  I was a demon, and dreams were supposed to evade me.  Still I was sure that the experience had in fact been a dream.  Panic washed over me as I realized the dream was not from my past, and did not even involve characters I knew.  As I left the bathroom, I noted the plausible possibilities.  Lucifer reached the top of my list immediately, and I pondered the possibility of the dream being a trap.  I still struggled to find an explanation behind this act.  How could Lucifer possibly gain any control by allowing me to dream?  Did he think I was so easily swayed?  I could only hope that he had more faith in my strength than that, but the other possibilities seemed much more stupid than Lucifer's ignorance.  
Perhaps God had forgiven me for all my crimes.  Perhaps I had been released from my curse, and this was my innovation back into the Court of Angels.  This too seemed too illogical to ever believe earnestly.
The dream had been so life-like, almost as though it were a memory instead of a dream.  Something was familiar about the vampire at the bar, although I had never met nor heard of a woman named Alina.   
I stared at the clothes I had laid out on my bed the night before.  They were dark, allowing me the advantage on not attracting attention.  The look I was going for was called Emo, but to me it was just a way to stay hidden.  I had never been a demon to dress for appearance.  Daniel was the first person I actually dressed up for, and I had ended up chasing him off, so I was dead set against dressing impressively.  Especially for school, where no one, besides Kristi and her friends, cared how anyone looked.  Kristi never even took in my appearance, giving me the ability to look as slumming as I could.
I changed into the gothic outfit, snagged me some breakfast, and reentered the bathroom.  I looked at my face solemnly in mirror, analyzing the marks of my face.  The scars I had obtained over the years still were visible on my face, but they too had faded over the course of time.  Even the scars from Aseana were disappearing, leaving me looking a little less pale.  
My eyes were dark in contrast with my skin.  The black violet stood boldly in my irises, and my lips bore the stains of black venom.  My hair was dark even with its vibrant strands, but had learned to adjust to the darkness.  Light was out of my reach, and shadows surrounded me.  

❦

Snow littered the ground as the young man walked briskly into the alley.  The footsteps ahead of him quicken, and frustration mounted in the young man’s chest.
‘I trusted you,’ he thought violently.  The young vampire carelessly rounded a corner, his dark eyes gleaming brightly.  The small barmaid was running now, praying to escape his grasp, but the young creature was faster.  
A terrified scream pierced the air, as the man grabbed the girl’s arm.  Within seconds the vampire pinned the young girl against the alley wall, and the child fell silent.
“I trusted you,” the man growled as the woman squirmed beneath his grasp.
“Please sir!”
A light fell on the couple’s faces, and the vampire’s fangs flashed brightly.
“Please sir, I did not mean any harm!” Alina begged, but the vampire pressed the girl roughly against the wall.
“I trusted you to love me,” the man spoke in agony.  “You loved me before you knew my secret.  How could you not love me now?”
“You are not human!” Alina cried.
“You loved me before you knew that!” the vampire bellowed.
Alina violently shook her head, but the vampire pressed her harder to the wall.  Alina shrieked as the crack of breaking bones echoed throughout the alley.
“You are spawn of the devil!” Alina cried fiercely.  The vampire was now shaking his head vehemently.  Tears were running down his face, but the dark shielded them from Alina’s gaze.  
“Yes, Jack!” Alina shouted finding a new voice.  “You are a demon!  You should die!”
“Please,” Jack whispered.  “Please.”
   Jack was shaking in aguish and anger, and Alina began to sob.  Sliding his hand to hold her face, Jack leaned in to kiss her soft lips.  
“I love you,” Jack whispered, almost begging.  
Alina jerked her head from the vampire’s grasp, turning her face away from his.  
“You cannot love, Jack.”
Jack stared at Alina with a gaze of broken-heartedness as he struggled to comprehend her meaning.
“I just wanted you to understand,” Jack said gently.  “Please look at me.”  Gently Jack reached to hold Alina’s face once more, but the child held her position firmly.  
“Look at me!” Jack cried angrily.  When the girl refused to turn her head, Jack quickly jerked it back to face him.  A final crack rang out in the dark, and Alina’s dim eyes stared silently at Jack.  
“No,” the vampire gasped.  “No!”  The young barmaid’s body began to slump forward, but Jack held it firmly against the wall.  “No!  Alina!” Jack cried.
The minutes passed slowly before Jack allowed the beautiful woman’s body to fall gently to the ground.  Her eyes still stared blankly into the surrounding night, and Jack knelt beside her, holding her and sobbing into her black hair.  
“I love you,” he whispered into her deaf ear.
    
❦

My eyes jerked open suddenly, and I quickly analyzed my surroundings.  I was still in my English class, and surrounded by multiple children.  The teacher was still droning on about the importance of The Crucible, and the children nearest to me were also in worlds of his or her own.  
My pulse quickened and I thought back on the dream.  Two dreams in one morning.  The thought that Lucifer was trying to show me something terrified me.  The first dream had told the story of their meeting, but the second had told of Alina’s death.  Jack had murdered her, and for some reason this seemed significant to me, although the character’s identity still remained a mystery.
I sat through the rest of the lecture staring silently at the blackboard behind the teacher.  The dream’s occurrence made no sense to me, but they did strike fear into my heart.  I was connected to the killer or the victim somehow, and I could not understand how.  Jack’s last words to Alina haunted me.  I just want you to understand.    
Even as the bell rang, signifying the end of class, I was still shaken from the experience of having another dream. As I walked to lunch, I thought about the possibility of more dreams.  What was Lucifer trying to get to and why was he using this dream?  There was nothing left in me that did not believe that Lucifer was the cause of the dreams.  I reached lunch with a distressed look that Kristi noticed instantaneously.    
“What’s wrong?” Kristi asked with a look of concern.  She had gladly accepted the roll of protecting my emotions.  Even though I was nearly ten thousand times stronger than she could ever hope to be, I too began to look forward to Kristi's comforts.  She was my first actual friend, and I was glad to sit down beside her, and confess.
“I had a really weird dream,” I said staring at the table as I sat.  Kristi's arm shot out to rub my shoulder soothingly.  “It was so strange because I never sleep,” I said without thinking.  My eyes immediately shot up and looked at Kristi, who did not seem to notice my slip.  
“I know,” Kristi said sadly.  “I know exactly how you feel.  I have had some strange daydreams myself.”  She softly lifted her hand from my shoulder, and I watched her begin to eat her lunch, still eagerly waiting for more of my story.
“It was not really a dream,” I said, trying to think back on the proper name.  “I think it was more of…it was more of a nightmare.”  The word sounded unfamiliar on my lips, but this title gave more meaning to the experience.  Obviously I was to be plagued by disturbing nightmares until I disappeared from the Earth’s surface.  I winced as I allowed myself to think on the statement, and Kristi noticed silently.
“Well,” Kristi began allowing me time to recover.  “What was it about?”
“Umm,” I stammered, debating on informing Kristi of my dream.  I was use Kristi stared at me blankly waiting, but I quickly decided to keep the supernatural elements of the dream to myself.  “Well, there was this…guy,” I glance at Kristi, watching her expression closely.  Her face would be my signal to stop talking.  “He was at a broth…umm…bar, and he noticed this girl.  She was really pretty, and he really liked her, but I think he had some…ahh…dangerous activities planned for her.  I think he wanted to hurt her.”  Kristi's face still stared at mine blankly.  Moments of silence filled the air as I waited for Kristi to look away or speak.
“So what happened?” Kristi asked suddenly.  It was my turn to look blankly.
“Umm…I woke up.”
Kristi looked like she was going to die laughing, but my solemn stare kept her from evenly giggling.  
“What was so terrifying about your dream?” she finally managed to ask.  “People drink all the time, and sex is kind of an everyday activity.”  I looked at her taken aback, stunned that her mind jumped to that conclusion.  
“Nothing was terrifying about my dream Kristi,” I said sounding more vehement than I had intended.  
“Then why do you think it’s a nightmare?” Kristi asked with a smile on her face.
“That was the first dream.  I had that one last night, and then during class I had a dream that the man killed the girl.”  I had said more than I had intended, but Kristi had pushed me.  I watch in silence as Kristi analyze my statements of the dreams.
“So,” Kristi began in a weird voice.  “You had two dreams back-to-back about the same people.”  It wasn’t a question; it was a statement.  I slowly nodded my head, afraid to say anything.
“Weird,” Kristi finally said.  “Was the girl’s name Alina?”
I stared at Kristi shocked.
“How did you kn—?”
Kristi shrugged her shoulders and continued eating.  “I had some dreams about a year ago that are really similar to what you are describing.  In fact now that I think of it, they happened around the time I met Daniel.”  I stared blankly as Kristi continued eating as though she has said nothing unusual, but my eyes displayed pure horror.  When Kristi finally glanced up, she laughed happily at my face.
“Oh don’t worry dear,” she said patting my hand.  “Daniel just has some strange vibes about him, that’s all.  He is a good subject for nightmares!” Kristi said laughing again.  I simply stared in horror.
“Why did you have nightmares?” I asked before thinking.  As I realized what I said, I quickly stammered to rephrase my question.  “I mean, when did you have nightmares?”  Kristi never glanced up from her food.
“I don’t know,” she said in a blithe manner.  “Sometime after Daniel first moved here.  I think I went to a party and that caused the dreams.”  I raised an eyebrow questioningly.
“You went to a party,” I said slowly, more for Kristi's sake than mine.  “Then you started having nightmares?  What happened at the party?”  It was the first time Kristi glanced up and into my direction.  She paused for a long time, thinking hard and I wondered if she was thinking of a way to avoid my question.
“I had seen Daniel with his friend, Jack,” Kristi said suddenly, answering my question honestly.  “He seemed cool, but…well…Jack and I did not hit it off well, and I guessed, since he already looked the part, I just had nightmares about him.”  Kristi's gray eyes stared off into space, and I watched as she left me briefly, fleeing to the sanctuary of her memories.  
“Did you meet Jack?” Kristi asked, still far away from our lunch.
“Yes,” I lied.  “I met Jack and I agree.  He fits the part really well.”  
Kristi finished lunch and chattered on, but I shut my mind off to all she had left to say.  Eventually the bell rang, and I left a bubbly Kristi to find my melancholy refuge in the rest of my classes.  The day gradually dragged on, but when all hope seemed lost, the final bell rang out through the school, and I, along with hundreds of other students, vacated the building.  
Rain fell softly on my head, and I pulled up the hood on my black hood-sweater, walking stiffly through the icy tears.

❦

I reached my loft, drops of water dripping from the ends of my hair.  Shortly before reaching my building, the gentle mist had turned into a massive downpour.  The wind had been cold along with the rain, but I had not really cared.  I closed and locked the door, and walked quietly to the little nook in the corner of my loft.  As I sat in the chair, I glance blankly out the window.  
The blonde man whom I had mistaken for Daniel was standing on the ledge in front of my window!  I almost screamed in surprise, and before I could blink the man appeared on my balcony.  
“Get out, Lani,” he said in a rough, yet quiet tone.  “Get out.”
I backed away in shock as the man entered my loft.  His movements were confident and adamant, and he moved briskly toward me.  
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” I stuttered as I attempted to stand from my seat.  Backing away as quickly as possible, I tried to organize my thoughts, my eyes never leaving the man’s face.  He moved quickly, and I soon found myself cornered.  The bathroom door was a few feet to my right, and the exit from the bedroom lay directly behind the creature.  The man’s eyes pierced red, and his movements slowed although they never lost their determination.  His hands opened as if to grab my arms.  Without a second thought, I lunged at the man, talons already breaking the skin on my hands.  My jagged wings exploded from my back, but the creature caught me by the waist and slammed me onto the bed.  I screeched in agony as I crushed my wings, but as those pains died, new one quickly formed to take their place.   
Vivid scenes ripped across my mind as I was locked into the demon’s blood-red stare.  Flashes from the night of Aseana’s attack burned scars onto my memory.  Without warning, I found myself locked into an epic battle of conscious dreams.  Each one tore painfully through my thoughts, and within minutes, I clung desperately to the arms of my attacker, praying for the pain to end.  
❦

“Lani!” God shouted angrily.  “What have you done?” I was running desperately, searching for the light in the darkness.  I was trapped in a maze, and the thorns of the roses tore at my side.  Vines reached out as I passed, clutching at the fabrics of my clean white dress.  I could smell the blood of a thousand souls, but still I chased the blue light ahead of me.  Somewhere in the maze lay a chance at hope.  I searched frantically for my redemption.
“Lani!” God yelled again.  “You have taken the side of a demon.  This vampire is a satanic creature, and yet you let him slip through your grasp!”  I stumbled on an outstretched root, and I fell to the ground.  My knees were bleeding black, and my palms bore the marks of broken skin.  
“I did not mean to!” I cried frenetically lifting myself off the ground.  “I am sorry!”  I turned the corner.  The blue light blinded my eyes, and I screamed.  Clumsily, I walked backwards, and tripped, landing on my back.  My hand landed on a second hand, and I realized it was cold as ice.  I looked at the hand and realized that what I had tripped over was the arm of a dead man.  As my eyes adjusted to the light, I noticed the bodies that decorated the ground.  Thousands of bodies lay before me, and the light was provided by the hovering souls.
I jumped to my feet terrified of what I was seeing.  In seconds the smells of the souls rushed at me, tickling the hunger I had fought for years, tempting the satanic creature that lay embedded deep within my core.  My hands flew to my mouth, and my eyes shot downward.  The hem of my dress had turned from clean white into blood red, and as I my hand touched the crimson skirt I fought to remain calm.  The crimson color was still wet and stained my hands.  Fresh blood.  
A dark laughter caught the air followed by sinister humming.
“Just follow the light, demon,” the voice burned.  A bright white light loomed forebodingly in the distance, and without fully intending to, I followed the dark voice’s instructions.  The dead bodies provided difficult obstacles to pass and I decided to venture near the edge of the field.  Enormous thorn bushes surrounded the field and as I ran my face filled with bleeding cuts.  Thorns caught my hair, and gouged at my eyes, but I followed the laughter and the voice as it beckoned me closer.
The light was radiating entirely from atop a small hill surrounded completely by thorn thickets.  
“There is no way around, imp,” the voice called.  “Only through!”  Without stopping I broke through the thicket, allowing the thorns to penetrate by ivory skin, and black blood soaked through my dress.  I struggled against the thorns and the more I fought, the harder it seemed to find the light.  The bush’s talons blinded me, and in the darkness I had lost my guiding light.  I felt as through I would be trapped, wandering through the cutting thorns forever, until I finally broke free of its clutches.  
Falling hard on the ground, I let out a horrified moan.  Floating in front of me was a body I had never expected to see.  
God floated two feet off the ground with His arms spread wide.  He resembled Jesus on the cross and even His hands and feet bore the marks of nails.  God’s figure faced away from me, but I could tell something was wrong.  Something was different.  I quickly leapt off the ground and ran to the front of the figure.  God’s eyes looked terrified and his mouth was frozen open.
“He is dead, Lani,” a voice said from behind me.  I spun around to see Lucifer standing against a thicket.  His arms were crossed over his chest and he seemed to remind me of someone else I knew.  
“How?” I stammered.  “That is not possible! I –“
“I know you did!” Lucifer snapped, a smile spreading across his face.  “You did this to him.” An arm grabbed mine and pulled me close to His figure.  God’s eyes were frozen in horror, but I heard him moan.
“Why did you do this to me?” God asked me, as tear flowed endlessly down my cheeks.  “Why did you not love me?”
“I did God,” I cried.  “I do.  How did this happen? What did I do to kill you?” I cried so hard that I felt as though I was drowning in my own tears.  A soft chuckle came from behind me, and I turn once more to face Lucifer, but this time I found Daniel standing in his place, mimicking Lucifer's position.
“You killed him,” Daniel chuckled. “By trusting me.”
Daniel lunged toward me and smashed into my breaking body.